Dear Old Ben: The Moisture Farmer Advice Column
by Sithstrukk
Summary: Obi-Wan "Old Ben" Kenobi has grown wiser from his life's experiences as  Jedi. When he moves to Tatooine he starts an advice column to help moisture farmers through their small scale problems.


**I wrote about fifty of these letters and just included the best ones. I don't know the final letter count, but there are quite a few.  
This was written for The Shoppe forum's "The Little Things" epistolary challenge. The challenge was to write something in the form of a letter, journal entry, etc., but it couldn't be about a big event. Here it's about all those moisture farmers and their small problems.**

Dear Old Ben,  
My brother l are having a border dispute. His generator is on my property line! He claims my bantha is in his backyard! Any help?  
-Beth

Dear Beth,  
My goodness! What darkness has gone to your heads? If you are brother and sister, act like it! "Negotiations will be short," as my dear mentor always said. Until then, build your bantha a stable!

Dear Old Ben,  
My Bantha, Cookie, won't go in the barn. My brother is the restless, arrogant type. He'd rather gallivant off with his "secret" wife (my Mom would disinherit him if she ever found out about their marriage.) So… what is the first step I should take?  
-Beth again

Dear Beth again,  
Your situation seems gravely worse. You must discipline your brother. Cure his restlessness. Coach him in finding his inner serenity, and don't let him out of your sight! Secret marriages are always bad news. When your bond strengthens, you can sit down and gently negotiate the boundaries of your water droplet hoarding farms.

Dear Old Ben,  
What happens if Jawas steal some of my sand? Should I file a complaint or call the police?  
-Wicky

Dear Wicky,  
Why would Jawas want to steal _your _sand? I sense much arrogance in you if you think your sand is anything valuable. There is finer sand out there- the sand of Jabba the Hutt's palace, for example, is so fine it never washes out of your hair. If Jawas do steal your sand, though, I recommend you wait a few days for a sandstorm to generously replace it.

Dear Old Ben,  
Every time we have a sandstorm, I get sand dunes in my house! It's because the refresher window cover's broken and won't close. My husband's too cheap to buy a new one. How do I fix it?  
-Marge

Dear Marge,  
We had this problem all the time on missions. Take a starch brown robe, the extra large size. Take a standard size utility belt and two cable launchers. Empty the belt of all valuables. Stuff the robe into the window- it should be large enough to fill it. Stretch the utility belt over the window to secure the robe. Secure the belt by hooking it to the two cable launchers on the wall.

Dear Old Ben,  
I can't find my oil tin. My droids are getting really squeaky. Any pointers?  
-Pip

Dear Pip,  
Find that oil tin! It's almost as annoying for droids to squeak as it is for them to talk! Here are some places I suggest you look:  
-Garage -Under the sleepcouch -utility belt -waste bin - under landspeeder seats -pockets of your tunic -pocket's of your wife's tunic  
Happy hunting!

Dear Old Ben,  
I bought a protocol droid to play with my four year old daughter. It's a disaster! The droid only knows curse words! How do I fix it?  
-John

Dear John,  
I always take my droids to my apprentice to be fixed. If you're not accomplished enough to have an apprentice, take it to a droid repair shop.

Dear Old Ben,  
Uh, I have a foreign exchange student from Dantooine. Does that count?  
-John again

Dear John again,  
If he knows how to fix your droid, yes.

Dear Old Ben,  
My dewback has the brain of… well, a dewback! Can I teach it any tricks?  
-Lill

Dear Lill,  
I'm afraid unless you posses special powers similar to those of… say, a Jedi, it will be impossible to teach a dewback tricks. However, you can use this incompetent animal to your advantage. When it flings you off its back play dead in the sand. When your crush runs to you hold her and roll with her in the sand. You'll live happily ever after until some evil dictator thwarts you.

Dear Old Ben,  
I haven't slept in days! Tusken Raiders keep trespassing just to frighten me. They go back and forth across my property… help!  
-Waldo

Dear Waldo,  
My! It seems you have a bit of a problem- and not with Tusken Raiders. Try to see it their way- you have the quickest way to get home safely! Consider building a road and charging a light toll if it bothers you so much.

Dear Old Ben,  
My wife is scared senseless every night. It's been happening since we married. Mostly when I'm asleep she'll hear loud, whistling, choking, snorting, sounds. I wake up and don't hear anything! What's going on?  
-Pat

Dear Pat,  
Oh, please. I was once apprenticed to the master of snoring. I know how nightmarish it can be, especially when you really want to sleep.

Dear Old Ben,  
I have lousy sand! Really! It's grainy and coarse. My wife's hair is full of it, and she says it's a terrible exfoliater. I think she's right because my vaporators don't work right.  
-Paxy

Dear Paxy,  
Tell your wife to stop rolling in the sand and get your vaporators fixed!

Dear Old Ben,  
I seem to have lost my sand stew recipe. Could you please reprint it?  
-Sam

Dear Sam,  
I once knew a boy who made a good sand stew. I dug up the recipe- with his own modifications:  
Ingredients:  
Flour  
Water  
In season vegetables  
Bantha tail meat (salt liberally and dry for a week before use)  
A handful of sand  
Red rock fungus (the best is found in the East Dune Sea)  
First, put vegetables and chopped meat in bowl. Pour sand over, mix. Add fungus to counteract sand's crunchiness as needed. Pour some water, let sit until well dissolved. Sprinkle flour and mix. Let sit on stove until well burned.

Dear Old Ben,  
My vaporator's clogged. What do I do?  
-Pash

Dear Pash,  
I don't know how to unclog a vaporator, but small toilet plungers seem to unclog blaster rifles.

Dear Old Ben,  
My landspeeder is just too darn slow! Any tips?  
-Lux

Dear Lux,  
There are many ways to fix that. Try lightening your cargo first- Younglings are always willing to walk. Next, run a brief inspection to check for any problems. And if all else fails, install a hyperdrive!

Dear Old Ben,  
I lost my bantha! What should I do?  
-Gray

Dear Gray,  
Look in all the least obvious places, because it's always the last place you look. And by least obvious I do _not _mean under the bed or in the waste bin. In addition, check for trails of evidence that will lead you to your furry pet- feces, fur, etc. Droids are especially good at picking up these trails, but be aware banthas are prone to step on them.

Dear Old Ben,  
My astromech droid is _crazy! _HELP!  
-Goldy

Dear Goldy,  
I spent much of my life around droids with a few screws loose. Unfortunately, I am not droid programmer, but I do have a cure. Taking five minutes out of your day to listen to their problems is greatly entertaining and should calm your droid.

Dear Old Ben,  
I live near Jabba the Hutt's palace. He hosts some rowdy parties that bother us all night! Help!  
-Sok and Marvi

Dear Sok and Mariv,  
Unfortunately, not all neighbors are considerate of other's sleep cycles. A letter of complaint might do. Address it directly to Jabba, politely expressing your problem with his guest's drunken yells of merriment at vulgar dancing. Any sensible being will understand. Oh, earplugs are a short term solution too.

Dear Old Ben,  
My brother was on his way home when he died in a sandstorm. He was three steps away from our front door! Please refresh everyone's memory on sandstorm safety.  
-Lily

Dear Lily,  
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. Freak accidents happen. Everyone should remember to seek shelter at the first sign of trouble. Who knows, you may end up striking a deal that will win you a podrace that will change many lives!


End file.
